


A look into loneliness

by Baekhanded



Series: Lonely to Loved [1]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Anger, Chronic Pain, Drawing, Fear, Feelings, First Kiss, First Love, Firsts, Fresh Start, Friendship, Gardening, Healing, Loneliness, M/M, Nightmares, Painting, Pet, Pets, Rabbits, Rebellion, Reform School, Teasing, Therapy, Touch-Starved, art therapy, fear of being known, first friend, getting better, hurt to comfort, kind of, learning how to feel, new start, saving an animal, tags will be updated as I go, upset
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-07
Updated: 2019-05-19
Packaged: 2019-11-13 10:41:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18030203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baekhanded/pseuds/Baekhanded
Summary: Vanitas was lonely, and loneliness led to stupidity.A home for reckless youth was better than where he was anyway.





	1. A Second Chance

**Author's Note:**

> Hi this is my first kh fic!!! first trial into vanitas too!! i Love Him and he deserved better. He's older here, old enough to have pushed all his hurt down into a box in his heart so he's less...volatile? Angry? At least outwardly!  
> I hope you give this a shot with me!

Vanitas had only given in because he was lonely. He’d been lonely for awhile. Loneliness led to stupidity it seemed. He’d gotten caught- or more likely used as a scapegoat. It hadn’t even been that long since he had run, and now he was locked away once again. If he was forced to go back, regardless of being legally an adult, he wouldn’t be lucky enough to survive again.

 

He had more luck than he thought.

 

The man in charge of his sentence was irritatingly kind, letting him off with some sort of reform. No one would be told of his transgressions if he only attended a program for hazardous youth. To get him “Back on the right track.”

 

Vanitas had laughed, sharp and loud. What right track? He’d only strayed from the darkest path to one a few shades lighter. Getting housing and lessons wouldn’t do anything for him. But he agreed anyway. It was better than nothing. Better than nowhere. Better than where he was.

 

It was still like a prison sentence. He was ushered onto a bus with a handful of other ‘at risk youth’ and locked to their seats. Vanitas was surprised they weren’t gagged, none of the kids could keep their mouths shut. 

 

He watched them impassively, biting down on the hysterical laughter bubbling in his chest at the whole situation. 

 

The drive was long, and a lot of the lunatics he was with ran out of energy before too long with their theatrics. Though it wasn’t as if it mattered. Vanitas didn’t know busses could make songs play so loudly.

 

He sighed, leaning his head back and stared at the roof of the bus until it jerked to a stop. Vanitas lifted his head and saw a large building surrounded by tall fences.

 

_ It’ll hardly keep those in that want out, but nice sentiment. _ He thought bitterly as the driver spoke in code to some other nonsense dogooder.

 

The bus jerked back to life as the gate opened, and it was another short ride to the buildings entrance.

 

Good little foot soldiers piled in and unlocked the other nightmare hazards around him. Vanitas stared into the little protective mask of the person that unlocked him and led him inside. Hopefully his silence and stare unnerved him. 

 

Though they were transported like prisoners, and the treatment didn’t necessarily end there, once inside the building it was less restrictive. If you could ignore the ten foot fence outside or the potentially armed staff. 

 

It was treated as if they had signed in for a hotel. No one had baggage, so it was an easy thing to lead them all to their rooms.

 

It wasn’t nearly as bustling as Vanitas thought it might be. Guess less and less bad seeds deserved a second chance. 

 

The rooms were relatively small, but they were single rooms. Devoid of personality so the prisoners could decorate how they pleased, he assumed.

 

“Tomorrow morning you’ll have your first lesson.” He’s told by some faceless, nameless staffer he doesn’t care to recall or interact with. He simply goes and throws himself down onto his bed. How shitty that some lockup bed was the softest bed he’d ever gotten to lay on.

 

He’d learned early on it didn’t matter who was around, you’d best take sleep when it was offered. He could defend himself if someone tried to get handsy anyways.

  
  


\---

  
  


The door unlocking woke him from his sleep. The attendant only told him it was time to be up, to get dressed and to the dining hall if he wanted breakfast.

  
Vanitas wasn’t one to turn down free food. He didnt have anything to change in to, so he didn’t waste his time and just followed the staffer. He took a look at all the faces that filled the room while he ate. It was only another handful or two from what came in with him the night before. 

 

He noted the cliques already formed and how easily the newbies tried to find their place. Vanitas stayed too the side, alone and watchful. 

 

The days were strictly scheduled. Everything was quite strict. It was immediately apparent as he was rushed from place to place.

 

This place thought you could paint your anger away, talk your trauma gone, garden the grief into something pretty and proper. He got a new laugh near every hour.

 

“And what’s your name?” Some nobody asked. He was arranged in a pretty little circle with a bunch of other lost boys.

 

“Oh is that what we’re doing now? I thought it was going to be ritual sacrifice.” his head tilted to the side as he let a grin cross his face. He got a couple snickers here and there, but he didn’t care.

 

“No, no ritual sacrifice, only an introduction. You’re the new member of our group, would you prefer we went ahead first?” the nobody asked.

 

Vanitas shrugged, “I couldn’t care less what you do.” 

 

And so it went, names were said, went in one of Vanitas’s ears and out the other as he sat with crossed arms and legs. When his turn came once more, he remained silent. An eyebrow quirked. An obvious rebellion, a dismissal.

 

The Nobody took it in stride, much to his irritation and they just continued the session. A lot of the people around him talked, a few followed his example of silence.

 

The hour dragged on, Vanitas slouched in his chair and stared at the ceiling until he was dragged to the next bit of hell. 

 

Paint he could get in to. Free painting and music too. But he knew their goal, he knew some dumbass professional was gonna try and analyze the colors and streaks and shit he put on paper and come up with some sort of “Plan” for him. 

 

Maybe it would be fun, to see what they saw when he put color on a board. He could play along with this for an hour. Loud music and his own personal bubble sounded like a great change from the bullshit  _ togetherness  _ they kept forcing on him.

 

He didn’t hesitate as he stepped into the room and grabbed whatever he could. He found a nice corner and shoved the easel to face the wall. He slipped the headphones over his ears and found something loud and numbing and he ignored the world.

 

It was obvious, he’d lean more towards charcoals and black ink than anything else. It was apparent that his canvas would turn into a mess of darkness, of pitch black and floods of figures with red eyes. A shadow of a man that made his throat tighten around itself and angry slashes of bright red across it.

 

He tilted his head at it, as he took it all in. He was supposed to be angry, wasn’t he? This made sense. 

 

_ Wonder what their psychoanalysts will get out of this piece of shit. _

 

He stood and tossed the headphones to the floor, knocking the easel and picture down with it as he walked from the room to the next activity meant to fix him.


	2. Alike

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vanitas maybe makes a friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have this chapter that I could have realistically made A Lot longer but decided not to because I Just Dont

Vanitas had made it a point to make every member of the staff’s lives a living hell. He still refuses to talk during his sessions, he won’t face the center when painting and refuses to follow the assignment anyways. Gardening is the worst, but at least they let him outside. Even if he only sticks to the shade of a giant tree.

 

The facility has a lot of space, and Vanitas likes to explore it. He knows he’s being watched but he doesn’t mind that, he isn’t breaking rules- only being contrite. 

 

He also wasn’t a fan of the clothing they bought for him to wear, but he also wasn’t one to turn down free clothing. At least they weren’t heinously bright. It had been near a week and he was sure he wasn’t making progress. How could he be when he was thwarting them at every turn.

 

There was only one person he could stand, and that was the one in the art room. He was probably a couple years older than Vanitas, or just freakishly tall. He didn’t know but he the man had the reddest, spikiest hair he’d ever seen. Most of the other teaching staff tried to force him to cooperate or engage- this one only commented on what Vanitas put on the page with terms he didn’t fully understand. 

 

It didn’t mean Vanitas had learned his name yet- or took his headphones off when the man’s mouth started moving. 

  
  


\---

  
  


It was a bad day, following a bad night. He still had so many secrets from these people, no one knew his history- he didn’t want them to. He didn’t want them to use it against him. What was happening to him that a small, very small part of his brain told him, ‘ _ they wouldn’t do that. _ ’

 

He just shook his head and ignored his schedule. It was nothing at all to slip past the staff and out the back door. No one usually bothered him when he was outside- not after that first day he destroyed everyone's little gardens and gotten himself a  _ timeout. _

 

Even the short walk to the tree had his entire body screaming at him to  _ stop. _

 

He stepped around the tree, so he’d be facing the facilities gated before collapsing to the floor. The bark scraped his back through his shirt and he wanted to scream. He snarled instead and just breathed. Brows drawn together he knew no one would bother him here- no one could see him here. He slowly pulled his knees up to his chest, heaving a strained breath as he stared out at the grass in front of him. 

 

There was no chance he would be sleeping. He felt relief at the fact he wouldn’t be forced to move in this condition- he didn’t  _ have  _ to do anything anymore. Not if he didn’t want to.

 

He didn’t know how much time had passed, how many voices he had tuned out before he saw movement. A movement that caught his attention anyways.

 

He lifted his head slowly a frown on his face as he looked. Near the bushes along the line of fence he saw a little black shadow. Just a bit of movement. Intrigued he dragged himself toward it.

 

It was small, and it’s movements were jerky. So black it almost looked blue. 

 

Vanitas had learned early to move silently, so the little critter didn’t notice him at first, not until he was practically on top of it.

 

It’s jittery movements didn’t stop when it was startled. As Vanitas stared into little black eyes and saw the blood smeared across the grass.

 

“You’re hurt too huh.” His voice felt like gravel but he held a hand out to the rabbit. 

 

It twitched and jerked and nibbled at his nose before it just deflated, breathing heavily on the grass.

 

Vanitas had never felt anything for any animal, but maybe it was a testament to this place and their pushiness that he reached out and picked the little bundle up. He didn’t know how to truly be careful, or gentle but he did the best he could. 

 

He ignored the way his body screamed once more as he stood up- he was used to it after all. He walked back into the building, past a number of nameless staffers and the red headed one.

 

“Hey Van where you goin?” He heard him ask.

 

Vanitas paused, hesitated only a moment before he turned his head, “Got a place that fixes broken things?”

 

The redhead looked surprised that Vanitas had spoken, but he shook it off easily and replaced his surprise with a smile, “Yeah, of course. I’ll take you to it.”

 

He didn’t even wait to hear Vanitas refuse the offer, just began to walk. Vanitas felt irritation build in his stomach but followed him anyways. 

 

The medical office they had was pretty pathetic, but at least they had one. The redhead led him inside and got the ‘professional’s’ attention.

 

“Hey Axel what’s this?” They asked, and the redhead just shrugged. Huh, Axel. the name suits him, Vanitas supposed.

 

“I think the little buddy here’s hurt?” Axel turned his eyes to Vanitas, who only rolled his own.

 

“Not for me,” he set the rabbit on the bed and the other two were once more shocked into silence.

 

“Ah. Ah man I, pets aren’t allowed? Are they?” Axel looked between the three, but the ‘professional’ just shrugged and carefully examined the rabbit.

 

“Dunno, but we can keep a secret huh?” he shot a grin to Axel and Vanitas, “I’m no vet, but I think I can help the little guy out. You’re gonna look out for him right?”   
  
The question was directed at Vanitas. He shrugged, “I found it. I don’t have a choice.”

 

He did, and they all knew it but didn’t say anything. Vanitas grit his teeth. 

 

_ They’ll use it against you they’ll use it against youthey’lluseitagainstyouthey’lluseitagainst- _

 

_ No. I won’t let them. _

 

Axel had to leave, patting Vanitas on the shoulder that he was just a bit too slow to fully dodge. He bit his tongue to keep the pained hiss in and just shot a glare at a grinning Axel- his hands up in innocence. 

 

He turned his frown back to the rabbit, breathing heavily but steady on the table. All patched up.

 

“He got a name?” the professional asked. Vanitas looked to him then back to the rabbit and shrugged. “Maybe I can talk Axel or someone into taking you to a petshop tomorrow, get you out of here.”   
  
Vanitas looked at him with distrust, “Why.”

 

He shrugged and handed the little rabbit back to Vanitas, “He needs stuff.”

 

Vanitas didn’t know the first thing about taking care of a pet, let alone a wild rabbit. He doubted the dumb giant would either but he kept his mouth shut.

 

He considered getting the rabbit a dismissal and an excuse to stay in his room the rest of the day. He went there and curled up on the bed, setting the rabbit on a rounded pile of a blanket near his own chest. He didn’t realize just how protective his stance was, wrapped around the hurt little rabbit that rested comfortably surrounded by it’s saviors scent.

  
  


\---

  
  


The following morning Vanitas was stiff all over and hungry. The rabbit startled at the sound his stomach made. Vanitas rolled his eyes and rubbed the rabbits twitchy nose, “Don’t look at me like that.”

 

A knock at his door startled him to look over. He didn’t say anything, so they knocked once more a few moments later.

 

Vanitas frowned more, “What?”

 

There was a hesitation before Axel’s voice came through, “Can I open the door?”

 

Vanitas frowned, why was he asking?

 

“I don’t care do what you want.” 

 

Another hesitation before Axel opened it, but just a bit to peek his head in and locate Vanitas sitting on the bed.

 

“We’re goin’ on a little trip! Bring the little fella okay? I’ll be waitin’ for ya in the hallway.” Axel gave a thumbs up before he disappeared once more behind the now closed door.

 

Vanitas stared at the door for a moment, then slowly turned his head to the rabbit. They shared a look that could only be described as  _ why not? _

 

Vanitas stood slowly, his bones and joints creaking. He took a deep breath and changed for what was undoubtedly going to be an irritating day. He looked back to the rabbit’s red gaze, then looked around for something to carry him in.

 

He frowned more before just picking him and the blanket bundle up. The rabbit wasn’t even bothered, it just curled up on it’s plush pile again and stared out as Vanitas left his room.

 

Axel was waiting in the hallway like he said he’d be. He looked only amused at seeing Vanitas carrying the rabbit in its blanket throne. He didn’t say anything, just smiled and gestured Vanitas to follow him.

 

He did at a more sedate pace. Steps only a bit awkward and stiff.

 

Axel had made it to the front desk, got Vanitas signed out for the day and had the door open for him all before Vanitas had even gotten to the desk. With eyes on him he swallowed his aches and stiffness and hurried through. 

 

Axel filled the silence at first, Vanitas had very little to contribute, and Axel respected him enough to just put some random music on. Though the sound Vanitas’s stomach made caused Axel to burst out with laughter.

 

“Missed dinner huh?” He asked. Vanitas felt his face heat up. Axel kept good natured, “Guess we’re getting some breakfast!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look, look ok Axel as an art teacher/staff/person/thing is a great image and him being vanitas' first 'friend' is also a good concept. 
> 
>  
> 
> Also the regular unversed look like rabbits to me!
> 
> Let me know what youthink! Who should the nurse/doctor/'professional' be!  
> Who should/do you watn Vanitas to interact with next!


	3. A Flood of Feeling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vanitas and Axel take a trip.
> 
> Vanitas learns that maybe, sometimes humans aren't bad.

 

Vanitas had never had someone so adamantly want him fed that they almost forced it down his throat. Was that the human connection he had heard so much about? Something about caring for others wellbeing?

 

It was almost a whirlwind of when he was being told “We aren’t going anywhere until you eat!” to standing inside of a pet store with no idea what to do, with an armful of fluffy black judgement. He didn’t want to let on how jarring it was, being fed and standing in one of the brightest, weirdest smelling places he had ever been in.

 

His steps were awkward as he stepped inside, forcing his lack of knowledge for pets and shock at being treated like a human being.

 

“So, what’s first on the list for a rabbit?” Axel asked from somewhere beside him. 

 

Vanitas was reeling, he couldn’t think or speak. It was like a dark cloud was enveloping him. The rabbit in his arms perked up a bit at his broiling storm.

 

A cool, wet nose touched his as a hand rested almost gently against his shoulder, anchoring him in the storm. He was still reeling- being tossed to and fro from emotions he couldn’t name, that he was trying to force back down. But he forced out a shrug and took confident steps inside. 

 

Axel acted like Vanitas wasn’t drowning as he kept pace, “Maybe a carrier? I don’t think it’s legal to just carry a rabbit around like you’re its throne.”

 

Vanitas could only force a grunt from his throat and wandered to what looked like a rodent section or something.

 

“Have you thought about what you’re gonna name him?” Axel asked as they plundered through the stock of carriers- looking mostly at what animal was on the box before taking it out for a closer look.

 

“What makes you think i’m keeping him.” he asked as he watched Axel dig by himself, head tilted against the rabbit to just feel it’s fur against his cheek.

 

Axel looked to him, a grin on his face, “Oh come on. You two are already attached at the hip,” he tapped his forehead, “I know what affection looks like. I got that memorized at least.”

 

Affection? Were the staff at this place allowed to take heavy drugs? 

 

Vanitas scoffed and rolled his eyes, standing and immediately turning to wander other rabbit/rodent things as Axel laughed behind him. The clatter of cages and Axel’s shout of alarm brought a smirk to Vanitas’ mouth.

 

He looked to the rabbit in his arms, little red eyes stared back at him. “Guess I might enjoy your company.” 

 

The little rabbit twitched it’s little nose.

 

He wandered until he found a chart- ironically right beside the rabbits they were trying to sell- that listed everything a new rabbit owner needed. Vanitas tore the paper from the wall and wandered around to pick up each item, collecting Axel along the way- who looked triumphant, carrying a pink and brown carrier.

 

Vanitas rose a brow at him, Axel didn’t balk, just dropped the carrier into the cart.

 

“Maybe we should go to the grocery store after this- do rabbits wear collars?” Axel wondered out loud.

 

Vanitas could only shrug, he wasn’t about to put one on the little creature regardless of if they wore them or not. The rabbit was a free spirit and Vanitas wasn’t going to keep him chained or claimed.

 

They made it through the check out quickly, Vanitas bodily shoving Axel out of the way despite his bodies protests as he paid for the little rabbits new items.

 

“You sure are bossy.” Axel said, a fake pout on his face as he headed toward the grocery store, “I could’ve totally used the company card to pay for that stuff!”

 

“How would you have explained it?” Vanitas asked, sarcasm bleeding through his words. Not actually asking.

 

Axel grinned at him briefly, “Therapy for a difficult customer!”

 

Vanitas rolled his eyes again, “Oh. Yes. Of course. That would pass swimmingly. It isn’t like every other misguided little asshole would use that line against you. It isn’t like there would be a gaggle of odd animals running around causing chaos.”

 

Axel laughed, “Yeah, I guess you’re right. Some of those little monsters wouldn’t know what to do with a pet.” 

 

Vanitas gave a quiet chuckle and looked out the window, his quota for human companionship more than filled for the next month.

 

The trip to the grocery wasn’t remotely interesting, but it was great to see the little rabbit try and nibble on everything in the produce section. No one would say a thing if he let the rabbit have a few nibbles here or there.

 

It was late when they made it back to the House. Vanitas’s body was turning to stone but he hesitated a moment and turned to Axel.

 

“Thanks for kidnapping me, I guess.” He said after a moment.

 

Axel looked taken aback but smiled what could only be described as a thousand watt smile, “Hey anytime! Let me know if you or your little buddy need anything else! Field trips should be a regular part of your-” he made a vague gesture that could only describe his situation.

 

Therapy. A part of his therapy. 

 

Vanitas gave one final, stiff shrug before he grabbed everything he could for the rabbit and dragged it to his room. He settled the rabbit on the bed before collapsing beside it.

 

They stared at each other once more, little red eyes into Vanitas’s golden yellow.

 

“You’re like a flood.” he said quietly, raising a hand to rub his finger against the patch of fur between the rabbit’s ears.

 

“A flood…” he says again, a grin pulling over his mouth, “that’s what i’ll call you. Flood.”

 

The rabbit-Flood’s nose twitched and he snuggled into Vanitas’s blanket once more. A perfect black dot flooding the otherwise painfully boring blanket. Vanitas rested his head beside Flood and fell into his dreams.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eyyyyy let me know what you think! I still cant stop thinking about the little flood unversed and just know anything that i ever do ever involving vanitas Will involve him having a rabbit.


	4. A Door to Healing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe, there might be something to this therapy place

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I love Vanitas with my whole heart and I Can't be convinced otherwise.
> 
> Also say hi to two new faces!

It was like it had happened all at once, but Vanitas knew it hadn’t. He had been so angry- so  _ hurt  _ for so long. He was by no means better, but he was  _ different.  _ He hadn’t broken anything on purpose in awhile, and he had started to pay attention to the actual lessons these classes were meant to teach. He still said nothing during circle time. These people didn’t need to know that- didn’t need to know  _ him  _ that deeply. 

 

Flood had healed quickly. He was a jittery thing, but protective. Just the other day he had bitten someone that had gotten too close to Vanitas, too far into his personal bubble saying hateful things. Vanitas had felt his irritation building but before he could lash out, Flood had done it for him. His laughter followed the kid out of the room as he ran to the nurse for help.

 

“I’ve never seen a guard bunny before.” Axel had joked when Vanitas sought him out to tell him, bright eyed, about how Flood was a vicious little thing. That he was perfect.

 

Vanitas brough Flood with him just about everywhere he went, unless it would be too stressful for the little rabbit. He didn’t take him outside the house unless they were going to a petstore. Axel liked to take them to pet stores. Vanitas liked when they had adoption events and they were allowed to play with the cats and dogs. 

 

It came as a surprise to him (and Axel, even if he won’t admit it) that he truly enjoyed the little art classes and the little gardening classes. It was even more surprising when he ‘graduated’ garden club into a higher level gardening club in a different area of the back yard. 

 

Vanitas had laughed at first, then he was taken to a different class.

 

“What the fuck.” he hissed as he sat in his dirt patch, looking around as his new ‘classmates’ started trailing in. they all seemed to give him a wide berth, either with nervous glances or smug grins. Vanitas made mental notes of whose planters to fuck up later.

 

Then the teaching assistant came out, and Vanitas felt something weird and tangley happen in his stomach. His hair was pretty long and very pink, but not jarringly so. Pastel and wild with eyes like the clear sky above. A smug look on his face that held untold amounts of danger and different-ness.

 

Vanitas didn’t think he liked him much. He knew he wouldn’t listen to a word he said- even if it meant getting kicked back to the baby class. 

 

It didn’t go nearly as he thought he would, the teacher assistant  _ annoyance  _ just shrugged Vanitas’ thwarting actions off as if he hadn’t done something annoying at all. Vanitas didn’t quite know what to do with being ignored.

 

Not even ignored, he didn’t  _ ignore. _ Not ignored, but somehow understood?

 

Just like that therapist. She always looked at him calmly, a look on her face Vanitas was unfamiliar with as she asked him questions he wouldn’t answer.

 

Vanitas didn’t know what to do with either of them. He could handle Axel’s manic energy- his need to fill the silence with chatter, or even his teasing. Vanitas hadn’t been teased before, at least not in a way like Axel had teased him. Harmless. Playful. 

 

But these two? The therapist and her kind smiles and understanding hums and nods of her little blonde head. The doodles she would show him during their appointments. She had almost gotten him to say something once, when she doodled Flood.

 

Now there was this assistant. Vanitas was determined not to learn his name. Pink Haired assistant that looked at Vanitas like he knew him, or could know him.

 

Vanitas hadn’t felt fear in awhile- since coming to this house, but the fear of being known…

 

It was worse than anything that had been inflicted upon him yet. He didn’t know if he knew himself. He didn’t know if he wanted to be known by others.

 

Who knew what secrets his body held?

  
  


\---

  
  


He had graduated from group therapy to single therapy, thinking being alone would help him to open up. It certainly had cut down on how many sarcastic retorts he could make. There were less idiots when it was just him and the little therapist. 

 

She was little too.

 

Small and blonde and kind.

 

Today she wore a pale blue dress, almost like the sky but paler still. She never did anything vibrantly. 

 

“Good morning, Vanitas. I see you brought Flood with you today.” She smiled at him. Not vibrant, not bright, but still kind.

 

_ Soft.  _ Vanitas thinks. _ She’s soft. _

 

He shrugs as he throws himself onto her couch, “He doesn’t like being locked up.”

 

“Oh, of course. I don’t think anyone really does.” She answered back, voice understanding. Her smile still on her face. “What are you two going to do today? I think Axel has been missing his company.”

 

Vanitas makes a face that causes her to laugh, “Yes. I suppose you’re right. Axel loves animals and company. But that isn’t to say he doesn’t miss you both too.”

 

“He sees me every day….or near enough. How can you miss someone you always see.” Vanitas asks.

 

Vanitas doesn’t ask,  _ How can anyone miss me. _

 

She hums, “Sometimes, people can miss another person when they’re right in front of them.”

 

Vanitas frowned and kept quiet. He didn’t know what to say about that- he had already said too much. How could you miss someone you were looking at? Was it like missing someone you had never met?

 

He shook his head and pet Flood, the sound of her pen across paper the soundtrack to his thoughts. 

 

“Vanitas?” She asks after awhile. He turns to look at her. Her brows are drawn together, lips pursed as she stares at her notebook, “What’s the name of the gardening teacher? The one you had before?”

 

“How should I know that?” he asks.

 

She lifts her eyes to look at him, curiosity in their blue depths, “You’ve spent an hour or so a day with him for the past month you’ve been here.”

 

Vanitas shrugs, “So?”   
  
“Do you know anyone’s names? Aside from Axel? Do you know my name?” She asks.

 

Vanitas feels as heat creeps up his face. He turns his eyes from her. An answer in his silence.

 

“Naminé” She says. Vanitas looks to her briefly, and turns once more at the soft smile, “My name is Naminé. Will you remember it?”

 

Vanitas shrugs, he doesn’t know if he will. He doesn’t know if he wants to but she seems happy anyway.

 

“That’s our time. If you feel up to it, tell me the name of someone tomorrow, someone you’ve met, a name you want to remember.” 

  
  


\---

  
  


_ “Someone you want to remember.” _

 

Her words- Naminé’s words rang in his head. Someone he wanted to remember? What did that have to do with anything? He didn’t want to remember anyone.

 

He frowned as he wandered to art class. He sat in silence as he picked up a block of black and began to drag it across the page. He let his mind and hand wander, no headphones over his ears but the sounds of the others- of Axel trying to talk to him, anyone trying to talk to him was just white noise. He didn’t hear anything. He would have kept as he was if it weren’t for Axel’s hand cautiously settling on his shoulder.

 

Vanitas looked up to him, confusion and charcoal on his face.

 

“Time to get outside.” Axel said with a grin, amusement in his eyes as he saw how many smears of black Vanitas had gotten over him. His hands were almost completely black.

 

Vanitas made a face, nose scrunching as he stood. His body stiff. He stretched until he felt everything pop and went to the yard.

 

His drawing was rabbits in motion.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! can you guess who the mystery assistant is~?


	5. A Garden and a Nightmare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gardening gone awry and comfort he didn't know he needed

Vanitas had planted wildflowers.  _ Planted  _ was a generous word for what he did. He had taken a handful of seeds and tossed them into his dirt hole and proceeded to wriggle in the dirt until he made himself a home amongst the seeds.

 

The Assistant, who’s name he was adamantly trying not to learn, had only given him an amused look as he tossed the seeds.

 

“I look forward to see what grows.” He’d had the audacity to say.

 

Vanitas wanted to punch him.

 

It turned out a lot of blue and orange flowers grew, which was annoying. He saw a couple pink and yellow buds but they were haphazard and sparse and limp. Maybe he’d tear it up and plant a tree so he wouldn’t have to see it ever.

 

“Not bad.” Pink hair had said. Vanitas felt his face scrunch up.

 

“How is this not bad?” the incredulity in his voice overwhelming.

 

“The ones that have bloomed are quite alive and healthy. The other ones got choked though. So not good, but not bad either.” he grinned. How dare he grin.

 

Vanitas scowled and tore the flowerbed up. Mostly. He tore half of it up, then held his hand out towards an even more bemused pink haired man.

 

He only raised a brow, and Vanitas shook his hand. His intent clear in the shake, he thought.

 

The pink hair took something from his apron pocket and set it in the center of Vanitas’s palm. Vanitas didn’t even look at it as he shoved it in some dirt and stomped away. A trail of dirt following him all the way along with Mr. Pink Hair’s laughter.

  
  


\---

  
  


“He has pink hair and I want to fight him.” Vanitas was pacing in the art room while Axel watched him, an amused look growing more and more the longer Vanitas was there. He narrowed his eyes, “Keep it up and i’ll fight you too.”

 

Axel laughed and held his hands up, “Why do you want to fight him?”

 

“He’s irritating!”

 

“What has he even done?” Axel asked as Vanitas huffed and pulled himself onto a desk.

 

“He has this stupid look on his face every time I look at him, like something’s really funny.” He wrang a rag between his hands.

 

Axel hummed as Vanitas went off into his tale of the flowers and seeds.

 

“I should go destroy his plants in the middle of the night, every single one. Take every vegetable and fruit and hoard them for Flood.” He threw the rag and crossed his arms. Chest almost heaving with the anger flooding through him.

 

Axel wrapped an arm around his shoulder and ruffled his hair, “Hey let it go. You know what you should do? Grow something amazing and show him that there’s nothing funny about you.”

 

Vanitas frowned. Looked down. Looked to Axel, then did just that.

 

He brought Flood with him several times, the rabbit not anxious but still twitchy as he hopped around and investigated every little thing until he decided Vanitas’s back was the perfect place to rest. Vanitas didn’t move him, just diligently worked and whenever he saw the pink haired man he’d keep his head down. He wasn’t at all distracted by him. He didn’t try to seek him out in the group of gardeners or anything. He certainly didn’t encourage Flood to investigate him and bring him info.

 

No, no Vanitas didn’t do anything like that. But if his eye caught sky blue, or if Flood was hopping around in the same direction every day, well it’s not like Vanitas took notice or anything.

  
  


\---

  
  


Vanitas had thought- naively- that things were good, that he was getting better. He didn’t think he would wake in the middle of the night, a scream caught in his throat. His limbs locked up and muscles screaming in pain. He didn’t think tears would drop from his eyes anymore, that he would be able to feel the phantom pains igniting across his skin again.

 

He didn’t think his body could be locked up and still flinch so hard away from Flood’s concerned whiskers. He didn’t think a soft, almost ticky muzzle against his cheek would help unlock his limbs. Slowly. But surely. He didn’t think his gasping breaths would be helped with a mass of black hopping right onto his stomach- forcing his air out, before crawling up his chest to continue to twitch and nuzzle against his chin and neck and ear. That the little nibbles of his hair would silence the screaming echoing in his head. 

 

He didn’t think he would have such a nightmare memory again. He didn’t think a jittery black rabbit could help either.

 

He forced a sigh from his mouth and sat up. Every joint and muscle protested. He felt tears drop down his cheeks. He blinked the last ones away and lifted Flood with shaking hands and stood from the bed. His body creaking like an ancient chair.

 

He swallowed thickly and took hobling, shaky steps toward the door. The knob was cold against his skin and the hallway cold against his feverish skin. The hallway was carpeted and soft. Vanitas flexed his toes against the plush and scuddled towards the kitchen. 

 

He had been finding that something warm helped with whatever he was feeling during nights like this. The movement helped loosen his joints and unknot his muscles. He had to stretch to get the things he wanted- the kitchen staff were too tall and Vanitas had half a mind to cut them down from the kneecaps, then they’d know.

 

He pulled himself onto the table while he waited for the water to boil. A very dim kitchen light shone in the corner, barely throwing enough light to make shadows. Vanitas was very good at seeing in the dark. The barely there light more than enough for him to see more than he needed.

 

Flood sniffed around the table for a moment or two before hopping onto Vanitas’s lap, coaxing his hands into simple, easy movement. Feeling the soft fur slip through his fingers. Vanitas stared blankly into the dark, taking deep breaths. Waiting for a soft whistle to announce boiled water. 

 

He slid from the table and shuffled to the pot, unaware that he was no longer alone as he poured the water into a cup.

 

“It’s not often I see someone wandering around in the middle of the night.” 

 

The voice caused Vanitas to startle, the sound of sloshing water and delicate tableware clattering over the counter breaking the peace of the night. Vanitas turned quickly, hands clenching tightly to the edge of the counter.

 

It was Mr. Pink Hair, his hands up in peace, “I didn’t mean to startle you.”

 

Vanitas frowned heavily, then angrily turned his back on him, stiffly finding a rag to clean up the mess of water and tea. He felt more than heard as Mr. Pink Hair came up alongside him and took the rag from his hands.

 

“Let me, I caused the spill anyways.” Vanitas wanted to claw the look off his pretty face. 

 

“What do you want.” Vanitas ground out, irritated at the odd tone of his voice.

 

He only hummed, “Nothing, I just saw the light on and thought someone forgot to turn it off. People don’t tend to wander the halls at night.”

 

Vanitas huffed and took a step back, leaning against the table once more, the hard wood digging into his back as Flood hopped to him and nosed at his arm. Providing more comfort Vanitas didn’t think he needed.

 

“I like wandering halls at nighttime.” he said just to be contrite.

 

Mr. Pink Hair seemed to realize this, he turned a grin on Vanitas, “You also like to grow things unconventionally, and have a rather unconventional pet.”

 

Vanitas tilted his head to the side, a grin of his own forming on his face, “What can I say, I like to be different.”

 

He watched as Mr. Pink Hair turned and gave him a slow once over, “I can see that.”

 

Vanitas felt his cheeks get warm at the look, there and gone too quickly to comment on.

 

“I don’t think I’ve heard your name yet,” He announced as Vanitas watched him pour a fresh cup of tea, “mine is Marluxia.”

 

Vanitas felt himself flounder. He didn’t want to know his name, he wanted to forget it immediately. He took a steadying breath, feeling Flood’s cool nose against his elbow.

 

“I don’t remember asking, or volunteering the information.” 

 

Marlu-Mr. Pink Hair laughed and turned, a steaming cup in his hand as he took a step towards Vanitas. He held it out and Vanitas felt electricity shoot up his arms where their fingertips touched. He brought his hands back a little too quickly, water sloshing over the edges and warming his fingers. It would have burned if he had much feeling left in them. What he had was taken over with the electric tingling. He hoped he wasn’t shaking.

 

“I’ll have to work to get your name then, won’t I?” His tone was good natured, almost teasing. The grin on his lips matched.

 

“A lot harder than cornering me in the kitchen.” Vanitas met his grin with one all his own.

 

“I think, I’ll look forward to it.” 

 

Vanitas watched as Marluxia walked off, his heartbeat echoing in the quiet he leaves behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! Please let me know what you think!


	6. Being Known

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vanitas steps onto the path of being known

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> get ready to welcome a familiar face!

 

It had quickly turned into a game. Vanitas didn’t want to enjoy it, but he  _ was _ . 

 

He found himself lamenting to Axel about this game he was playing. Axel’s eyes were bright, which was never a good sign.

 

“Oh, oh my. Vani. My Vanitas, are you flirting?” 

 

“What the  _ fuck,”  _ Vanitas heard himself say, spinning to face Axel’s smug grin, “why the  _ hell  _ would I flirt!? Ever! Let alone with  _ him!” _

 

Axel laughed, “Calm down! I’m only teasing but your reaction makes me think you do like him!”

 

Vanitas stammered, his face heating up, “I could  _ never!  _ How could you say that? How could you even insinuate that? I am  _ disgusted  _ that thought even crossed your head, let alone that you let it pass your lips!”

 

Axel only hummed, his amusement growing, “Sounds like something to talk to Naminè about.”

 

Vanitas only huffed, throwing a rag and nailing Axel directly in the face.

 

Vanitas left to the sound of his sputtering.

  
  


\---

  
  


“Why would he  _ ever  _ think I would like someone?” Vanitas couldn’t stop, the moment Naminè asked how his day had been going Vanitas couldn’t keep his mouth shut. “He’s  _ annoying _ and I want Flood to eat every single one of his vegetables and then leave his little pellets on his stupid Pink Headed pillow!”

 

“Has he been able to find out your name yet?” Naminè asked, good naturedly. Not laughing even a little at Vanitas’s struggle.

 

Vanitas frowned, his lips puckering just slightly enough that Axel would call it a pout as he crossed his arms and slid lower in the chair, “No.”

 

“Do you want him to know your name?”

 

Vanitas slouched lower and picked at his nails, “Maybe…”

 

“Maybe?”

 

“I don’t know. I...I didn’t want to know anybody's name when I first came in here. But now I know you, and Axel. Hell I even named Flood…”

 

“You’re having a hard time with the idea of wanting to know people?” A nod, “and be known in return?”

 

Vanitas felt himself flinch, then tense immediately after.

 

“It is scary, to allow people in. It’s good you’ve been able to let Axel in, and Flood. You don’t have to tell him much, anything if you don’t want to. It’s in your hands completely. If you want to give him your name, give it. If you want to tell him more, do it. It’s scary, but it can be very rewarding.” Naminè’s smile was so kind, Vanitas felt his heart clench.

 

No one had ever smiled at him like that before.

 

He left his hour with a thousand thoughts whirling in his head. He wandered outside and sat in his patch of earth. 

 

He almost startled as he felt someone sit beside him, but he only blinked and turned. He saw pink.

 

There was a pot of fuzzy, blue and pink star shaped flowers on his lap. He didn’t say anything, he wasn’t even looking at Vanitas. Only sitting.

 

Silence continued around them. It wasn’t awkward, or thick. Vanitas found it comfortable.

 

“Vanitas.” He said it quietly. Felt Marluxia’s eyes on him. 

 

“Borage.” Vanitas turned, Marluxia’s face soft, a small smile on his face. He tilted his head slightly to indicate the plant.

 

“What the fuck kind of name is that?”

 

Marluxia laughed, “Is it better or worse than Borago? Borago officinalis?” 

 

Vanitas felt a laugh startle out of him, “You’re fucking with me, right?”

 

“Oh, no. Not at all.” Marluxia shook his head. “That’s what they’re really, truly called. They’re also edible.”

 

Vanitas hummed, “Every flower is edible if you’re not a coward.”

 

Marluxia laughed, “That’s true.”

 

They drifted back to silence, still and comfortable. 

 

Marluxia moved first, standing carefully and brushing his pants off, “We should do this again, Vanitas.”

 

Vanitas couldn’t respond as he watched Marluxia walk away. 

 

Maybe Naminè was right, he could be in control of what people knew. He could give as much or as little of himself to others. Maybe he wouldn’t be burned, trusting these people.

  
  


\---

  
  


“No. Absolutely not.” Vanitas shook his head as he stared into a room containing a giant pool.

 

A privilege they said. A reward.

 

A pool? Swimming? This wasn’t a reward this was a punishment.

 

He was almost pushed through the door by someone trying to get by him. He might’ve gotten an apology but he didn’t hear it.  He just stood on the sidelines, staring at the glistening blue water.

 

“Hey there!” a voice, too close startled him to look away.

 

He looked like he came straight from the beach. His eyes were bright blue and he looked easy going enough. Vanitas didn’t respond.

 

“You’re our newest member right? My names Demyx! I’ll be, well mostly lifeguarding, but also making games and stuff! It’s supposed to be fun and carefree! Hey are you okay? You don’t look so well.” 

 

Vanitas shook his head, “I’m not doing it. I’m not getting in. I’m not wearing those.”

 

Demyx looked puzzled, almost as if he couldn’t believe someone didn’t want to get in the water. “You can’t swim?”

 

Vanitas flushed deeply and looked away. An answer of itself, not the whole answer.

 

“Ah,” Demyx sounded so sagely knowing, “hey there’s nothing wrong with that! We’ve all gotta start somewhere right? Let’s get you suited up and in the shallow end!”

 

Vanitas shook his head fiercely, “I won’t. You can’t make me.”

 

He could only imagine the look on his face as he turned on Demyx, and he raised his hands and took a step back.

 

“Woah, woah. I’m not gonna make you! This is supposed to be fun. If all you feel like doing is dunkin’ your feet in that’s fine! You don’t have to do anything you aren’t comfortable with!”

 

Vanitas felt some of his bristles settle. 

 

“If you change your mind and wanna try some things out let me know! I’ll be around but until then just enjoy yourself!” Demyx said brightly, like those happy dogs people seemed to love.

 

Vanitas knew without a doubt he wouldn’t be changing his mind. He simply sidestepped the bright Demyx and found the most secluded part of the pool.  He didn’t put his feet in, just pulled his legs to his chest and stared at the water until the time was up.

 

He was the first one out of there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi did you know i wrote this shamelessly to push my crack ship agenda? Please join me on this small train.


	7. It's okay to not be okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bad day leads to a great moment of healing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this might be tough for people to read, so be wary

It had been awhile since Vanitas had had a bad day. A really bad day. He had gotten well used to the pain of existing, some days were worse than others. Some days it took everything in him to get out of bed, his body almost too stiff to move. Some days it was just in his head.

 

Those were the worst days.

 

When he couldn’t stay afloat. When he felt like he was drowning, taken deeper and deeper under. He couldn’t breathe- didn’t know where he was. Who he was.

 

Not even Flood could help on those days.

 

Sounds made him jump out of his skin, seeing people terrified him, his heart never settling.

 

He’d taken to sitting in a corner of Axel’s art room those days. People were quiet there, Axel didn’t scare him as badly as most others would. He had gotten used to him, maybe.

 

After the first few times, Axel had made him a little cave. No one else went into it and it kept people out of Vanitas’s line of sight.

 

That’s where he was, Axel having finished his class was making himself known- comfortable on the other side of Vanitas’s cave.

 

“Have you thought about talking to Naminé about this?” Axel’s voice was quiet.

 

Vanitas didn’t reply, didn’t move. Axel didn’t pressure him, just stayed beside him- out of sight. But Vanitas could feel his presence, took comfort in it.

 

The day went on, Vanitas not moving, not interacting. Axel left him be, keeping a dim light on when he inevitably had to leave him.

 

Naminé….

 

Vanitas crawled from his cave and picked his way back to his room. Axel’s question stuck in his brain.

 

Vanitas stared at the ceiling.

 

_Maybe…_

  


\---

  


He was sitting in Naminé’s office, heart racing. The most active part of him the past few days. Axel’s words had plagued his mind, had stuck until he managed to drag his ass to his therapy appointments.

 

“Vanitas?” her voice was soft, tearing him out of his swirling thoughts, “Do you feel like talking today?”

 

“I-” it came out choked. He stopped and took a deep breath, too loud to his ears- even louder than his heart. “I c-can’t.”

 

He was spiralling, he had to have been, within the span of a blink Naminé was in her seat across from him and the next they were both on the floor, gasping breaths echoing in his head- around him.

 

It was like slow motion, watching her hesitate for all of a moment before gently, carefully gathering him up into her arms.

 

The gasping breaths were him. They were sobs wrenched from his chest. Naminé’s hand gently rested on the back of his head and she let him cry. She held him through it- held him together.

 

He didn’t know how long they stayed like that, didn’t know how long it took for his sobs to quiet down. His body was still shaking but he didn’t know why.

 

“Vanitas,” he heard his name, said so softly it was like a whisper on the wind.

 

He took a deep breath and slowly pulled away from Naminé’s comfort. She wore her concern clear on her face. Her shoulder was wet.

 

“I’m sorry.” He knows he said it, but it didn’t sound like him. That wasn’t his voice.

 

She shook her head, “Do you want to talk about it?”

 

Did he? Could he tell her? Was this something he could tell anyone?

 

“My….guardian,” he started, his words picked carefully, “something….reminded me of him.”

 

He was quiet for awhile, she didn’t try to pressure him.

 

“Sometimes...it’s not so bad. Remembering,” he started again, “but other times I- all I can hear is his voice in my head or his punishments.

 

“I haven’t...I’ve been really careful. To keep everything as hidden as I can. It was buried so deep even I thought it was gone but- but I guess it’s not. The longer i’m here, the more I think about it. He told me to keep it hidden. I knew it wouldn’t matter if anyone saw anyways. So many people had but they didn’t _believe me.”_ his words were coming quicker, a harshness being pulled from him when he remembered how people could look upon his bared skin, not even a teenager and think he had done it to himself.

 

“I stopped trying...stopped trying to get people to believe me, stopped trying to get help. I knew it was just me and my brother. It was just me that stood between them both, so I took it. I was glad to. He- he didn’t deserve it, what that man did to me. If he had done it to Ventus I-” he cut himself off, taking another deep breath.

 

His eyes were closed as he calmed, “He was _merciless_ Naminé.”

 

It was the first time he had ever said her name.

 

It was quiet for awhile before she said, “What did he do to you, Vanitas.”

 

A sound left him, like a wounded animal. He looked down, almost ashamed if he could feel anything other than suffocation. He pulled his sweater over his head.

 

It was clear to see, but Naminé didn’t make a sound. There wasn’t pity in her eyes, but Vanitas could see a deep sadness.

 

“He did this to you?”

 

Vanitas nodded, “Just about every day….something new.” He traced the scars marking up his arms, “If I was anything but the perfect little minion, there was a punishment. So many missteps I took as my own because I knew what would happen. You don’t know Ventus, but i’m sure you know his type. He’s the sweetest boy- or he was when I knew him. The last I got to see him.”

 

A harsh laugh left his lips and his nails dug deep into his upper arms, “He got tired of seeing me get hurt. Our guardian beat me so bad I blacked out. I didn’t even know you could be kicked and throw up from where you’re kicked until it happened. Have you ever woken up in a puddle of your own bile while your twin makes sure you’re not dead? No, I doubt many people have but- but that was it for Ven, he called people and they got us out but then they _separated us._   
  
“I bet you can tell i’m not a particularly sunshiney person. I bet you would know without me even saying it I reacted _violently_. They sent me to some group home and I assume Ven got some nice little family in some fucked up, make believe suburb somewhere. They kept shipping me off and I hated those people. They weren’t much better than who I was with before, so I ran. Eventually it caught up and now i’m here and I guess something must be sticking because here I am! Fucking hysterical in your office on your floor!”

 

He felt a sharp prick where he dragged his nails down his skin but Naminé gently took his hands. He didn’t stop her, but he couldn’t look at her either. His chest was heaving and he was, truly on the verge of hysterics but he didn’t see blackness closing in again.

 

How could he feel so much worse, and yet better at the same time? Empty yet full?

 

“Would you be interested in seeing your brother again?” She asked, her voice still soft. Vanitas’ head shot up and she smiled, “It wouldn’t be for awhile yet, but I can pull some strings. You’re doing well here and I hope it isn’t presumptuous of me to think you might be enjoying it a bit. If you keep it up, you’ll be awarded many more perks. I’m sure the others will attest to the same that I will, and if you keep trying, keep going to your classes and painting and gardening and taking care of your rabbit it won’t be long before you can see your family.

 

“I….I don’t even know where he is doc.” His voice was quiet as he looked at their hands.

 

“You let me take care of that, while you take care of you.”

 

He let out a watery laugh and pulled a hand free to wipe at his face, “You know….you’re pretty good at what you do.”

 

She smiled, almost like the sun, “Thank you, Vanitas. If there’s anything you want to talk about, you can. If you want to be done, we can be done. I’m sure Axel could use a hand cleaning up. Or maybe Marluxia. I overheard him and Larxene talking about a particularly difficult group of weeds you might be able to help them pull.”

 

Vanitas knew what she was doing, and nodded. Grateful for the opening even as his cheeks felt a bit warm.

 

She released his hand and he slowly pulled his sweater back on and wiped his face again with the sleeves. He stood on shaky legs, foregoing any help she offered and gave her a small wave as he made his way out.

  


\---

  


The sun was bright as he stepped outside, even if it was late and near sunset he hadn’t been keen on being in bright places lately. He spotted Marluxia almost immediately, his pink hair a beacon. He didn’t know who Larxene was but assumed she was the blonde beside him.

 

He took one last deep breath before approaching them.

 

“I hear you two are having trouble killing a few plants.” He said, arms crossed as if he hadn’t just been crying his eyes out mere minutes ago.

 

Marluxia looked to him with bright amusement in his blue eyes. Larxene just squinted her green ones.

 

“What the hell’s up with the gremlin?” She asked and Vanitas laughed.

 

“Says the bug hair lady. I’m here to offer an extra set of hands. I’m sure I could get through more weeds than you two can.”

 

It was on after that. Larxene and Marluxia not one to turn down a challenge, and Vanitas grateful to get his mind off of other things.

 

It was almost dark when they finally stopped all of them laying in a bed of pulled weeds. Larxene pulled herself up first, saluting them before walking off.

 

Vanitas huffed and just lay there, staring up at the darkening sky.

 

Marluxia sat up beside him, “I don’t think i’ve ever had fun pulling weeds before.”

 

Vanitas turned his head to look at him, his eyes were bright and Vanitas was nothing but a moth.

 

“You’ve never pulled weeds with me.”

 

His eyes were soft and his smile was softer, “No, I haven’t. But now I don’t think I can ever go back.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im about to update the relationship tag and yall have no idea how excited i am for it
> 
> I just posted the reunion fic, if anyone wants some vanitas&ventus brotherly feels!
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/18939409/chapters/44965375


	8. Realizations about Romance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vanitas learns something new

It was midnight and Vanitas was in the kitchen again. Waiting for water to boil and listening to Flood crunch on some tasty bunny snacks. It wasn’t a bad night. It was a good night, but he wasn’t ready for sleep.

 

He didn’t want to hope to hard, but it seemed life was giving him some breaks.

 

“Is this a regular thing I’ve been missing, or are you just sporadic with your tea cravings?” Marluxia asked as he sat beside Vanitas, their hands almost touching.

 

Vanitas swing his legs and crossed his ankles before looking up to Marluxia’s amused gaze. 

 

He hummed, “Maybe you’ll have to find out if you wanna join us.” 

 

“Do I get to join you now?” He asked, playful.

 

Vanitas tilted his head and closed his eyes, “If Flood says you can.”

 

Marluxia laughed before turning to the small rabbit. He crouched low over the counter and Vanitas watched as he offered a raspberry to his rabbit. 

 

Flood sniffed it suspiciously.

 

“Do I get to join you and your boy tonight little buddy?” He asked, voice soft.

 

Flood looked to his face then took the berry, a clear answer as he nibbled and juice dripped from his fur.

 

“I think that’s a ‘yes’, huh?” Marluxia grinned up at Vanitas. 

 

Vanitas grinned back and shrugged, “I guess you can stay.” 

 

Marluxia laughed, soft before the pot began to whistle. Vanitas slipped from the counter to the floor and crossed to the cupboard. He reached up to grab another cup and poured in water and leaves and sugar. Marluxia wanted to join them, he would have to take the tea how Vanitas liked his own.

 

Sweet and flowery.

 

He handed a cup off and Marluxia took it without complaint. Vanitas pulled himself up beside him and they waited in silence. Comfortable with just the sounds of Flood snacking between them and the creaking of a house.

 

“Did you have a bad night?” Marluxia asks at last, his voice soft and earnest.

 

Vanitas thinks about answering, thinks about deflecting, then settles on honesty, “No. Not this time. I was actually…”

 

Marluxia looks to him.

 

Vanitas meets his eyes, “I was hoping I’d get to see you.”

 

He can’t maintain eye contact for too long after that admission. He feels his cheeks heat up as he looks away.

 

“Me, huh?” Marluxia’s voice is soft.

 

Vanitas nods and chances a glance. His heart does something funny in his chest at the expression on Marluxia’s face. He doesn’t know what it is, but he thinks he might want to see it again.

  
  


\---

  
  


Vanitas didn’t know what he was doing, but he didn’t really want to stop. He didn’t want to stop the looks he would find Marluxia send his way. He didn’t want to stop the ones he sent himself. He didn’t want the odd feeling in his chest every time their eyes met to ever stop.

 

He hadn’t opened up about this new little development with Axel yet. Or Naminė. 

 

He had a feeling they were catching on though. Axel’s eyes were soft whenever he spotted Vanitas and Marluxia in the same room. Vanitas wasn’t sure he was brave enough to ask him what was with that face.

 

And then something else happened that sent Vanitas’ heart into overdrive.

 

They were outside tending to the gardens. Vanitas had brought Flood outside to wreak havoc on the other’s plants while he was working hard on his own. 

 

Flood had wandered off to investigate someone’s something. Vanitas wasn’t expecting him back for awhile, until he’d made all his rounds and gotten some attention from every human person outside. When he felt Flood’s soft little nose against his arm he almost startled. 

 

Looking down he sees something tied carefully to the rabbit’s neck.

 

A note.

 

It was some benign something Vanitas couldn’t remember, too struck by the name at the bottom. He was sure his heart had twisted itself up in his chest, heat overtaking his face once again.

 

It became a thing, then. Notes and a messenger bunny. Flood got little bits of fruit or vegetable as incentive and Vanitas had a box full of silly notes covered in bits of plant and dirt.

 

Vanitas looks at them every night.

  
  


\---

  
  


“I don’t know what to call it, but every time he looks at me I feel like i’m about to die.” Vanitas says offhandedly while sitting with Axel.

 

He almost chokes on his lunch when Vanitas talks, turning quickly to look at him, “ _ Who?!” _

 

Vanitas makes a face, “Marluxia, obviously. Have you not been listening to anything I’ve been saying?”

 

Axel coughs a few times and Vanitas takes pity and pats him on the back.

 

“You-!” He starts up coughing again before continuing, “Vanitas do you have a crush on him?”

 

Vanitas makes another face, this time borne of confusion, “Why would I want to crush him? Is that what that feeling is?”

 

He feels his face drop. Of course it was just another instance of violence. He had thought he was getting better, but maybe he’ll always be a creature of pain and anger.

 

Axel seems to notice his spiral and quickly cuts in, “No! No not at all! It’s like, you like him you know?”

 

“I do like him? I like you too. That can’t be a revelation to you.” Vanitas sighs about done with this conversation.

 

“No I mean like- Okay, okay how about this. Take this hypothetical,” He takes Vanitas’ hand and Vanitas looks at him in confusion, “what are you feeling right now?”

 

“Confused.”

 

“Okay, now what if it was Marluxia holding your hand?”

 

Vanitas felt his face heat a bit. He shook his head before answering, “I don’t know...is it supposed to mean something? I used to hold my brother’s hand but it was mostly so I could keep track of him. Is that what this is? Do I want to hold his hand?”

 

“It’s a sign of affection. I think you should try it, and tell me how you feel when you do it. I can better diagnose the situation if I know exactly how holding hands makes you feel.” Axel nods sagely, as if he just solved a problem.

 

Vanitas frowns down at his hands. He clenches them. 

 

_ It’s worth a shot, right? _

  
  


\---

 

Vanitas feels like he’ll throw up every time he thinks about touching Marluxia let alone holding his hand.

 

“You’ve been distant lately, are you alright?” A voice startles him from his thoughts. 

 

He looks up from his hands to Marluxia, carefully taking a seat beside him. Slow as to not startle Vanitas more.

 

“I’ve been thinking of something I want to try but I don’t know how to do it.” He tells him, mostly honest.

 

“Oh?” Marluxia looks to him, amusement in his pretty eyes, “What thing?”

 

_ It’s now or never, Vanitas. _

 

“Hold out your hand.” He says simply.

 

Marluxia raises a prim pink brow but does as he’s told, holding out the hand closest to Vanitas. Vanitas takes a breath and carefully puts his own hand on it. Marluxia’s hand was much bigger, but Vanitas’ had many more scars. He carefully slots his fingers between Marluxia’s and feels faint. Marluxia runs his thumb across the back of Vanitas’ hand and he’s pretty sure he does black out for a moment.

 

“Is this what you wanted to try?” His voice is so close, but so far away.

 

Vanitas can’t speak, can only stare at their hands. Marluxia doesn’t push him, just sits beside him and holds his hand.

 

Vanitas doesn’t know what this means. Doesn’t realize that he’s said more with one simple gesture than he ever could with words. 

 

He has to get out of there. He can’t think- can’t speak. He pulls his hand away, stands and runs back inside as fast as he can. His heart beating like a drum. His eyes black around the edges.

  
  


\---

  
  


“I think I blacked out.” He tells Axel the next day. He hasn’t been able to look anyone in the face today. He can only think of Marluxia and holding his hand.

 

“Blacked out? Vanitas are you alright?!” Axel’s full of concern, like always but Vanitas brushes him off

 

Braving a look up to his face he restates, “I held his hand and I think I blacked out. I think I panicked and ran away. No. No I know I did.”

 

Axel doesn’t even laugh at him like he thought he would, he just gets that soft look again and holds his arms out, “Vanitas, I would very much like to hug you right now. May I?”

 

Vanitas hesitates but steps into his arms. Axel slowly wraps him up and Vanitas clutches onto the sides of his shirt, hiding his face against Axel’s chest. He feels warm again.

 

“You like him Vani. It’s alright to panic. Have you ever liked anyone before? In a way that isn’t like family or friend? That isn’t like me or your brother?” His voice is soft.

 

Vanitas can’t answer, just shakes his head. Axel props his chin on the crown of Vanitas’ head.

 

“I think that means we need to watch ridiculous, romantic comedies.” 

 

Vanitas can’t help but agree.

 

For research purposes.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank yall for bein in this trip with me, we've finally gotten to the fun bits, im 100% gonna be providing Content so feel free to scream at me or check out my tumblr ( yeollie-bells.tumblr.com )  
> or subscribe to see the other nonsense stories i throw out for the newly coined MarluVan!


	9. Touching and Teasing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vanitas makes some conclusions, then makes some plans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im so, SO happy to see i've lured so many people on this little raft with me, please check out my marluvan series too if you like these two dummies!

It’s midnight again, near a week after Vanitas ran from Marluxia. He hasn’t really spoken to him since. Not verbally. He hasn’t even looked his way.

 

He did send a message with Flood though. One message. One word.

 

_ Sorry. _

 

He’s hoping he does see him tonight, but he would also like nothing more than to never,  _ ever  _ see Marluxia ever again and have to face these  _ feelings. _

 

He had spent the better part of the week with Axel, painting what his mind was scrambling with and watching dumb movies about love. He’s even tried opening up to Naminė, but the words wouldn’t come as easily as they did with Axel. He was big and dumb and annoying but Vanitas liked him. He trusts him.

 

He was sitting on his counter again, Flood asleep in his lap. Vanitas had one hand on Flood’s small body and the other holding tea. He was lost in thought again.

 

Someone sat beside him, but he didn’t startle. Flood looked to their new visitor but just resettled himself for rest.

 

Vanitas’ heart started to race again, “I’m sorry….for running away.”

 

It’s quiet for a moment, then, “You don’t need to be. I think I understand.”

 

Vanitas shook his head and braves a look at him. He doesn’t look mad, just as calm as usual. No hint of teasing or amusement.

 

“I’ve...never felt anything like that before. I still don’t have words for it. I...I liked it though, that’s- I don’t want you to think I didn’t I….I think...I,” he can’t get the words out.

 

Marluxia looks at him then, still calm but a softness to his features that’s so like Axel’s but so,  _ so  _ different. Vanitas thinks his heart will burst.

  
Marluxia slowly, cautiously takes Vanitas’ hand from Flood’s back. He laces their fingers together again, then lifts his hand and presses a kiss to the back. Vanitas is sure he’s changed colors, he can never seem to stay regular around him.

 

“I think I like you too, Vanitas.” There it is, that amused glint in his eye. It settles something in Vanitas and he squeezes their hands.

 

“What...happens from here?” He feels vulnerable even asking it. Revealing that this is new territory, that this is the first time he’s ever felt anything like this before.

 

“Who's to say anything has to change?” it’s such a simple answer but it soothes Vanitas even more, “I might want to hold your hand more often thought.”

 

Vanitas can’t help but let out the laugh that bubbles out of him, “I could be persuaded to concede to that.”

 

Vanitas watched Marluxia smile, felt the slight squeeze of his hand and his thumb stroking the still buzzing skin he kissed. He offered his tea, and Marluxia accepted.

 

Vanitas doesn’t think about what it might feel like to feel those lips on his own.

  
  


\---

  
  


Vanitas had learned quickly that the warm feeling and fluttering in his belly seemed to only happen whenever Marluxia was around. His heart feels like it’s in overdrive whenever their hands brush. 

 

The more it happens, the more curious he gets about what it might feel like, feeling those hands on his other skin. Skin that isn’t just his hand. Even his arm or his ankle. His cheek might be good too...no one’s ever touched him there, gently before.

 

Marluxia’s hands aren’t necessarily soft, but Vanitas is sure it would be a million times better than the sharp sting of a palm or a belt. He’s never had such a desire to learn before- to be touched. 

 

His revelations, though slow, have started to bring him other awarenesses too. He notices now what it looks like when someone with a ‘crush’ looks upon the person they’re crushing on. His biggest example is Axel whenever Demyx is around. 

 

Vanitas truly hopes he doesn’t look so dumb when he sees Marluxia. 

 

He likes to think he has more control of his expression than Axel could ever hope to attain.

 

He’s been able to learn friendship through his interaction with Axel and Marluxia with Larxene. How friendship can take many forms. Even if it’s rough it doesn’t make it bad.

  
  


\---

  
  


“Does it feel nice to touch other people’s skin?” 

 

Axel chokes. There’s no other way to describe it. Vanitas watches him choke, then cough, then turn the color of his hair as he thumps on his back.

 

Axel wheezes, “ _ What the  _ **_fuck_ ** _ Vanitas?!” _

 

Vanitas frowns, “What? It’s an honest question. Does it feel nice to be touched by other people too?”

 

Axel looks like he’d rather the earth eat him whole than answer Vanitas’s question.

 

“I’ve been thinking about it lately,” Vanitas says, suddenly shy as he picks at his nail beds, “that it might not be too bad...for people to….”

 

Axel sobers up quickly and sighs before carefully draping an arm over Vanitas’s shoulders and pulling him to his side. Vanitas melts against him, feeling safe against Axel.

 

“Listen carefully, okay?” he clears his throat once more before continuing, “there isn’t anything wrong with showing people your skin, your  _ scars _ .” Vanitas flinches at the word, Axel grips his shoulder in comfort, “But there’s also nothing wrong with keeping them to yourself until you’re  _ absolutely sure _ you’re comfortable.” His voice started to take on a teasing tone, easing Vanitas from his shyness even more, “I’m sure Marly can wait however long for you.”

 

Vanitas pinches Axels side, earning a yelp in the process, “And how long did Demyx wait for you?”

 

Axel’s face quickly takes on the hue of his hair and Vanitas’ jaw drops.

 

“ _ Axel no!”  _ His shock turns to glee as laughter erupts from him, “how long have you known him?! How long as  _ your  _ crush been going on!?”

 

“It’s not the same!” He looks anywhere but Vanitas, so embarrassed. It’s answer enough as Vanitas wheezes into his side. Axel doesn’t even push him away. 

 

“I’m just- I’m waiting for the perfect moment!” he tries to defend himself. Vanitas smothers another wave of giggles into Axel’s side.

 

“Okay, okay you little gremlin come on, we’re in the middle of planning a party.”

 

Vanitas huffed but let it go, “I don’t know why you’ve got  _ me  _ helping with this. I don’t know anything about partying. Shouldn’t all of  _ you guys _ be doing it?” He asked as he looked over the plans again, not understanding any of what was happening.

 

“It’s not my fault they bailed on me!”

 

Vanitas humed once more then stood, “I’ll get them to agree, give me a week, max and then this party will either be great, or a clusterfuck.”

 

“What are you gonna do?” Vanitas was leaving, Axel raised his voice, “Vani? Vani! What are you gonna do?! Vanitas!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI PLEASE TALK TO ME ABOUT MARLUVAN ON TUMBLR I LOVE IT AND THEM


	10. The first of many

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vanitas has some more 'firsts'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i struggled a bit with the ending here, but get HYPE!!!!!!!!! im also not sure if i shouldve ended it two lines earlier but yall know i live for the cheese
> 
> ALSO HUGE S HOUTOUT TO becausecolours BECAUSE I STOLE A HUGE CHUNK OF DIALOGUE HERE FROM OUT CONVERSATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GO READ THEIR STUFF TOO!!!!!!!

 

“So what you’re saying is, you’re playing matchmaker.” It wasn’t even a question, Larxene just came to the assumption when Vanitas told her about his plans.

 

“I don’t know what that means, but if it’ll get you to agree to do this with us, then yes. I’m playing matchmaker.” Vanitas would agree to just about anything to not have to put this party together alone with Axel. He had never even had a birthday party, he was too far out of his depth.

 

Larxene shrugged, “Fine, i’ll get everyone to agree. We’ll meet you in your dumb little planning room tomorrow.”

Vanitas felt relief, but he couldn’t really say he thought Larxene would refuse him anyways.

 

\---

 

“ _How._ ” Axel was in disbelief and Vanitas felt smug.

 

“I told you i’d get them to agree.” He grinned up at Axel.

 

The planning had gotten much farther with Larxene’s involvement. She was the only one Vanitas had even needed to talk to. She handled getting everyone else herself. When Larxene called, you answered.

 

Vanitas nudged Axel, “Go do your job and close your mouth, it looks like Demyx could use your help...or height. Height, that one’s more useful.”

 

Axel made a face but then started his rounds, trying not to be as obvious as he was before ending up beside Demyx- who shot him a sunshine smile upon the offer of help.

 

It was disgusting really.

 

Vanitas rolled his eyes at the two and went back to his own work. That being avoiding everyone and especially Larxene’s hawk-like eyes.

 

It didn’t even take the rest of the week for the party to be completely set up and celebrations to be under way.

 

A lot of the kids that had gotten privileges and were on the road to healing were who the event was for. Vanitas was one of those kids. All of the helpful staff were there, and so were the assistants. Not that Vanitas had even taken notice of a certain person with a particular shade of pink.

 

No his attention had been mostly on his dumb tall friend and the equally dumb but shorter swim teacher. Vanitas hadn’t taken his eyes off of them the entire night. He had migrated toward the snack counter and found a place to perch himself. He could see through and over most of the crowd from his new height. Plus he could reach any snack he desired and he had juice.

 

The only thing this party was missing was Flood, but tonight wasn’t about him. It was about Axel and his crush.

 

Well it wasn’t really. But it was to Vanitas.

 

He wanted to help Axel as much as he had helped Vanitas cope with all of the changes he’d been going through. Even just a little bit.

 

Vanitas didn’t really have practice with being helpful. What he knew about was to stay vigilant. That it would pay off in one way or another.

 

So he watched.

 

He didn’t take his eyes off of them once. He watched as Axel floundered spectacularly with a cool guy act. Watched as he dropped an empty cup four times. Watched when he almost spilled a whole bowl of something onto himself when he tried to refill that cup. And he watched as Demyx smiled through all of it, and helped him steady the cup, and keep the bowl firmly _not_ on Axel’s person.

 

It was painful to watch.

 

“Hey, are you doing alright? Are you still here?” A voice startled him from his staring. He turned to look and caught Marluxia’s slightly concerned gaze.

 

Vanitas made a sound like a hum and turned to look back at Demyx and Axel flirt and flounder, “I need them….to be less... _that_.”

 

Marluxia turned slowly and found what had Vanitas’s attention. A laugh like a song came from his chest and Vanitas’s heart skipped, “Yeah, that’s been going on for like, three years. I don’t think it’s going to be stopping any time soon.”

 

Wait. What.

 

The expression Vanitas turns on Marluxia would have burned a lesser man, “ _Three years_ and no one _did anything?!”_

 

Marluxia hid a laugh behind his drink, which turned out to be a little metal something in the cup. “I tried to get Larxene to get them as roommates once upon a time, but she was very plain,” he started, then pulled his best impersonation of her voice, “‘no Marluxia, that’s _manipulative_ ’ blah blah blah.”

 

That startled a laugh from Vanitas, almost hyena like in it’s startled intensity, “I didn’t know she had _morals.”_

 

Marluxia laughed with him and Vanitas could feel his heart soar at the glee on his pretty face.

 

“You know, you’ve been staring at them for the better part of two hours now.” Marluxia said after he calmed down, his blue eyes playful.

 

“Yeah?” Vanitas felt hopeful, his heartbeat deafening all the other music and conversation around them.

 

“Do you wanna get out of here? Unless I completely pegged you wrong and you indeed are, a party person?” He teased, eyes glittering.

 

Vanitas barked out another laugh without thinking, “You’re right, I’m not. Take me somewhere better than this.”

 

Marluxia grinned, and held out a hand towards Vanitas. He didn’t even hesitate to take it, sliding his hand into Marluxia’s like it belonged.

 

He gently pulled him from his perch. Slow as to let Vanitas’s body adjust to movement and stiffness, then he led him through a hallway and to the back door.

 

Outside.

 

It was quiet, and pretty dark, but it was like Marluxia had planned this. There was a haven set up away from the building with enough light to get to and get comfortable. Vanitas didn’t even feel nervous as he made himself comfortable in the nest, not even when he pulled Marluxia down next to him. Close.

 

“What did you have in your cup earlier?” he asked, voice softer but still too loud in the silence of the night.

 

Marluxia hummed as he got comfortable and carefully wrapped an arm around Vanitas, “Contraband.”

 

He held it out sans cup and Vanitas sniffed it.

 

It was familiar enough and he took a sip and made a face.

 

Marluxia laughed and took it with no complaint, “Yeah, it’s not really great.”

 

“I didn’t even know you could drink that stuff.” He admitted as he pawed for another sip.

 

“No?” Marluxia let him take his hand and let him tip it back to his mouth. He made the same face.

 

He stuck his tongue out briefly, a true sign of his distaste, “I only knew it was good to prevent some dumb infection so i’d pour it on all kinds of cuts and scrapes.”

 

Marluxia must have known what Vanitas meant. His face told him he did, but he didn’t pry and he didn’t look at Vanitas with pity. Only understanding.

 

Vanitas felt his heart shake. Who had hurt this beautiful boy?

 

They didn’t say anything after that. Not for awhile at least.

 

They settled back, close together and wrapped even closer with the blankets. Vanitas snuggled closer. Liked being close. Liked Marluxia’s fingers in his hair even more.

 

“That,” he said softly, “is the Vanitas constellation.”

 

He said it matter of factly and Vanitas raised a brow. ”Oh?” he said as he sat up to look at Marluxia’s face, “why is that?”

 

Marluxia grinned, “Because it’s pretty like you.”

 

Vanitas felt his face heat up instantly, his eyes surprised and his mouth slightly parted. No one had ever said that before. He couldn’t take the look on Marluxia’s face anymore. He made a sound that he can say with clarity was a sound of embarrassment before he tried to smother Marluxia.

 

It took no time at all for them to start rolling on the grass, ‘wrestling’ each other for Marluxia’s silly words and Vanitas’s embarrassment.

 

Vanitas lost his edge almost immediately. Finding himself pinned underneath Marluxia, his mouth pulled into the most triumphant smile. His eyes glistening with victory until a different realization set in. his mouth got softer and his eyes twinkled with an intention Vanitas didn’t know, but desperately wanted to find out.

 

“I might not have thought this through all the way.” Vanitas’s voice was a whisper. It didn’t cut the tension forming between them. It didn’t stop Marluxia easing up on his wrists or his thumb stroking the thumping skin.

 

“You should not think more often.” His voice was just as soft and Vanitas swallowed with more difficulty than he ever had before.

 

“Vanitas…” he hesitated, for only a moment, “can I kiss you?”

 

Vanitas made a soft sound in his throat, “Please.”

 

Their lips touched and Vanitas’s heart stopped. His eyes closed and his hands wound up slowly in Marluxia’s hair. He didn’t know what to do, but Marluxia was a good teacher.

 

It was softer than anything Vanitas had ever known. His heart hurt in his chest in the best way he’d ever known. Marluxia’s hand was soft on his cheek.

 

The stars shone bright above when Vanitas experienced his first kiss.

 

He knew it wouldn’t be his last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know what you think!! and feel free to come scream at me on tumblr!  
> yeollie-bells.tumblr.com
> 
> also also i feel like this Main Story is near to coming to an end friends!! of course there will be some extras in the same universe BUT!!!

**Author's Note:**

> There will be a ship in this, and it Will be something new and unexpected. If anyone has any thoughts about friends or staff who could be who let me know!!! I'll gladly incorporate it!
> 
> (If yall like this ship! Join me screaming on tumblr! Yeollie-bells.tumblr.com  
> Also check out the ficlets im writing! I Will Fill This Ship Tag!!!!)


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